One Second To Watch Out
by S. Sakurai
Summary: A series of vignettes exploring how the various fruit-powered characters might have happened on that fateful meal. Now with Chapter 3 - sorry this took forever, but for this particular fruit, that's only to be expected...
1. The Most Beautiful Woman: Alvida's Story

One Second to Watch Out  
  
"One second to watch out, your whole life if you eat it. . ." -from the song "Samba/Bomber: Akuma No Mi" lyrics and translation from the site "Destination: Paradise"  
  
Chapter 1: The Most Beautiful Woman in the World  
  
"Have you seen this boy?"  
  
I held out the paper to my fellow pirate captain. We had pulled into port for a while, the perfect opportunity to connect with the loose network of rumor and information that stretches across the seas. Normally I wouldn't deign to come into a common tavern-- they're filthy, louse-ridden places that no self-respecting crewmember of mine would frequent. The fact that they my entire crew takes off for the bars anyway the moment we drop anchor leads me to conclude that they simply have no self-respect.  
  
The men had all turned to gape at me the moment I came in the door, of course. Obviously, it wasn't often a beautiful woman came into a hole like this, let alone the most beautiful woman in the world. I basked in their attention. Let them look. And if one of them tries anything more, well, I always carry my mace, and I do mean mace.  
  
You've no doubt heard of me. Who hasn't heard of Lady Alvida? And you're probably wondering why I would be in such a place, instead of in some much more appropriate position, say, lounging on silken cushions being fed grapes by yummy servant boys. Well, I'll tell you. Until recently, my mighty mace had never let me down in battle. No one had laid a finger on me. But that boy. . . that odd rubber boy who claimed to be the future king of pirates, he shrugged off my mace as though it were nothing, and dealt me the first blow I had ever felt on my porcelain cheek. I could still feel it stinging, in my mind.  
  
I wanted to find that boy. Find him and. . . I don't know what. Half of me wants to see him dead, the other half wants to make love to him. I really don't know. But it's a moot point unless I can get my hands on him, and that's why I was in this bar, showing a mug shot to a piggish little man who thought a big feathered hat made him impressive.  
  
The smelly ruffian looked at my sketch. "Can't remember. We've only been docked here a week or so."  
  
"If he's been here, it would have been recently."  
  
"Huh. Say, why should I help ya, anyway? I mean, what are ya offerin'?"  
  
Obviously, this little twerp was the last in a long line of men trying to get into my pants. Oh, they never come right out and say it, but they insinuate it, subtly, giving hints that sounded like they could mean something else entirely unless you're sensitive to the underlying lust. And I've grown tired of it.  
  
A quick swing of the mace split the table in two. "How DARE you?" I shouted at him. "No hand of mortal man, let alone a maggot like you, is fit to touch the body of one divine as I am!" I must admit, I look great when I'm angry.  
  
As they all do, he made an incredulous, almost disgusted face. As though he hadn't been thinking of that at all. They're all so transparent, it's pathetic.  
  
"Hey, hey now!" It was a burly marine. "If you want to fight, take it out on the open sea! Here's no place for it!"  
  
"There's no fight, sir. The lady merely misunderstood me." The swine chuckled nervously. "Haven't introduced meself. I'm Captain Puppu. Have a seat."  
  
"I'm Lady Alvida and I prefer to stand." I wouldn't want to soil my clothes touching a surface in this place. Besides, I find that most chairs are strangely flimsy.  
  
I looked around. That naval officer wasn't alone. They were all over the bar, some of them even drinking with pirates, laughing! "What's with all the Marines?" I asked Puppu.  
  
"Bit of a celebration, you might say." Puppu smiled. "In honor of ol' Axehand Morgan's reign of terror endin'. He was a real bigshot at the local naval base, murder on us but such a beast his own men hated him as well. Pirate and Marine alike, we're all glad to see the last of him. That's one thing we can drink to together."  
  
"You don't say." So that was it. Local politics bore me, and I certainly don't care about some Marine officer. I haven't met the one that stood up to the mace.  
  
"Yeah, it was pretty excitin'. This bounty hunter was all tied up at the base fer killin' Morgan's brat's dogs. So this weird guy who they say could stretch like rubber just shows up outta nowhere and decides to save him, right? The way I heard it--"  
  
"What?" I grabbed him by the collar in mid-sentence and lifted him up. "A boy who stretched like rubber? Where is he now?"  
  
"H-he sailed off days ago! Don't know which direction. It was just him and the bounty hunter."  
  
"Damn!" I dropped the little turd. "He could be anywhere!"  
  
"Well, rumor has it he was sayin' somethin' about becoming king of pirates-- "  
  
"Yes! That's the boy!"  
  
"--so logically-like, he must be sailin' off to the Grand Line. They all do, sooner or later. I've been thinkin' of headin' out that way meself."  
  
"The Grand Line, hmm?" It did make sense. Just about every pirate with an overgrown ego showed up there eventually. And it was as good a lead to follow as any.  
  
"Now, I hope ya aren't thinkin' of headin' that way yerself. It's no place for a lady, huh? Ya'll get massacred!"  
  
Not just a pig, but a sexist pig. "It's no place for a little oinker with delusions of grandeur, either." I noted pointedly.  
  
"Hey, me crew can give as good as we get." He smiled, showing jagged teeth. "Plus, I got me secret weapon." He winked. "Ever heard of the Demon's Fruit?"  
  
"The fruit that gives you special powers, at the cost of being able to swim? Yes. . . that's how the rubber boy, Luffy, got his abilities, right?"  
  
"That's what I mean, and I've got one meself."  
  
"Reeeeeally." This was interesting. Obviously celebration and proximity to a magnificent creature like me were loosening his tongue.  
  
"Yeah, got it on me ship under armed guard. Called a Subesube fruit. Makes ya real slippery. Stuff just slides off ya, can't get cuts or scars neither."  
  
The power to never again worry about some ruffian's stray blade nicking my perfectly smooth and creamy skin? This was even more interesting.  
  
"You wouldn't be interested in selling it?" I asked.  
  
"Naww, I been thinking about it, but more likely I'll just eat it. The life of a warrior on the sea, crossing swords, that's the life for me. More important than money. 'Sides, ya couldn't afford it unless yer REALLY loaded."  
  
"Well, you can't blame a lady for trying." I gave him my friendliest smile.  
  
I'll save you the bloody details of what happened sometime later, out at sea. Long descriptions of carnage are so terribly vulgar. Suffice it to say, I met up with Puppu again, somewhere where there were no Marines around, and when our meeting was over I had the Subesube fruit and a good deal of the rest of his property as well. But don't feel too bad for him. He DID say that crossing swords was more important to him than money, right? And I'm sure his legs have healed by now.  
  
So that's how I ended up in my quarters, looking down at an apple-sized green fruit and wondering exactly what would happen after I'd eaten it.  
  
I bit into it. It tasted vaguely bitter and unpleasant, almost oily. Not at all fit for my refined palate. But I steeled myself to finish the whole thing, licking every last drop of greasy juice off my lips.  
  
There was a sudden loud pop, as of an inrush of air, and I felt suddenly disoriented. The room was the same, I was sure of it, and yet it looked smaller somehow. My clothes suddenly felt very loose, as well, as though I was wearing a tent. I looked down at myself. That was odd. I could see my feet now. Obviously, the fruit had had at least one side effect-- it had improved my vision.  
  
"Lady Alvida!" My first mate appeared in the doorway. "Lady Alvida, what was that noise -- urk!" And he just stood there, staring and turning red.  
  
"Who. . . ARE. . . you?" he managed after a moment.  
  
"What do you mean, who am I?" I asked crossly. "I am your captain!"  
  
"L-lady Alvida?" he stammered. "But. . . but you're beautiful!"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I mean you're really beautiful!"  
  
"Your enthusiam is appreciated, but right now I'm looking for any changes the Subesube fruit might have caused." I turned to examine myself in one of my many mirrors and was stunned by what I saw.  
  
My freckles were gone!  
  
No wonder he couldn't recognize me. My freckles had been one of my most gorgeous features. Of course, I was equally stunning without them. And I suppose it is nice to change one's look now and then.  
  
That evening, dressed in some newly tailored clothes, I addressed my crew.  
  
"Who is the most beautiful woman in the world?" I cried.  
  
"YOU ARE, LADY ALVIDA!" was the roared response. They were all much more enthusiastic about it now, I noticed. I didn't even have to get out my mace. Their eyesight must have been improved as well, somehow.  
  
"Behold the power of the Subesube fruit!" I declared, and bared my exquisite midriff. "First mate, plunge the blade in!"  
  
The crew gasped in horror as the blade flashed towards my abdomen, and then gasped once more in surprise as it was turned away by the power than made anything, anything at all, slide off one's skin.  
  
"And that's not the only new power in my arsenal! Subesube spur!" Removing my sandals, I jumped in the air and landed on an inclined section of the deck, intending to slide down it gracefully.  
  
Instead, my legs shot out from under me and I landed on my divinely sculptured rear end. It's a good thing I look stunning even in disarray, or it would have been rather embarrassing. Instead, I threw back my head and laughed.  
  
It would take a while to master this power, obviously. But master it I would, and once I did I'd be a match for my little rubber boy. Oh yes. . .One day, he would be mine, to love or to destroy.  
  
I'm still searching, but one day, I WILL have him at my mercy. And when I do, I'll . . . well, I still haven't decided.  
  
End of Chapter 1 


	2. Smoking is Prohibited: Smoker's Story

One Second To Watch Out  
  
"One second to watch out, your whole life if you eat it. . ." -from the song "Samba/Bomber: Akuma No Mi" lyrics and translation from the site "Destination: Paradise"  
  
Chapter 2: No Smoking  
  
The room where the garbage incinerator is can be surprisingly cosy provided you bring the right friends along. My friends are small, and like to travel in packs.  
  
I lit one up. This was probably the only time in the day I'd have to myself, between classes, exercises, duties, and of course, the various punishments. I think it was potato peeling today. Life on a marine base doesn't give you a lot of leisure time, especially when you're a new recruit on the bottom of the ladder. But at least I could have a few minutes alone here, in this filthy concrete lump in the middle of the woods, to have a smoke and feel my stress burning up with the tobacco and drifting away in the wind.  
  
"Ah-ha! Here you are!"  
  
I groaned. She'd found me. So much for even a few minutes alone.  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" Her eyes shot daggers from behind her dark-rimmed glasses. "Don't you know what'll happen if you get caught again?"  
  
"I won't get caught. They just dumped the garbage in, lit it and left. Nobody's gonna notice a little extra smoke coming out of here."  
  
"And what if somebody comes back to dump something else, huh?" She was flushed, whether from anger or from the heat, I don't know. Or maybe she'd come running all the way out here from the barracks when she noticed I was gone, so that she could have the satisfaction of catching me in the act. Tashigi was the best friend a guy could have, but sometimes she could be pretty self-righteous.  
  
"These are contraband, you know!" she continued. "All Marine bases are smoke-free!"  
  
"When I'm in charge that'll be the first rule to go."  
  
"You'll never BE in charge if you can't obey the rules! You've already gotten our barracks more substance-related demirits than any other crewman in Marine history! What would your mother say if she knew?"  
  
"She'd probably be proud." She wouldn't have named me Smoker if she'd wanted me to grow up sucking on mineral water and celery, that's for damn sure.  
  
"You're impossible!"  
  
"So give up." I leaned back against the cement wall and tried to look nonchalant.  
  
"I won't give up! You're my friend, and I won't let you go to an early grave with holes in your lungs!" she cried passionately in the voice of someone who paid far too much attention to public-service placards as a child.  
  
"Look," I said, trying to calm her down. If she kept yelling like this, somebody WOULD come in. Besides, maybe it wasn't ALL sanctimony and petty obedience. This was really bothering her. "If it makes you feel better, I'm not even smoking that much." I pulled out my last pack. "I'm rationing until our next free weekend. I've been only having one a day. It's not like I'm standing here with a couple of giant cigars in my mouth."  
  
With the same agility that she's usually only able to draw on in fencing practice, she snatched them out of my hand and whipped them into the incinerator. Time seemed to stop for a second.  
  
Tashigi grinned smugly. "There, I guess that's the only way to keep you from -- hey! Get out of there, you idiot!"  
  
"But they're burning!"  
  
"YOU'LL burn if you crawl in there after them!" She forcefully hauled my upper torso back out of the incinerator.  
  
"Get your hands off!" I snapped, shoving her back. "That was my property, you, you--"  
  
I punched her in the face. She wasn't expecting it and went down with a bloody nose. I stalked off, leaving her there trying to staunch it with her uniform, fantasizing about tossing HER into the incinerator for a little while.  
  
I spent most of the afternoon waiting for some sergeant or other to come around and load more punishments on me, but it never happened. Eventually I decided that Tashigi must not have reported me. That figured, she'd rather suffer in silence than bring down more demerits on our barracks.  
  
As it turned out, I wasn't scheduled for potato peeling that evening after all. Instead, I was assigned as a pack mule for some visiting courier who was too dignified to carry his own luggage.  
  
Once I saw him, I revised that opinion. I don't think he could have carried his luggage if he wanted too -- he was so skinny he looked about to snap like a dry twig. I don't know how he managed to work his way through the grunt ranks up to a level that didn't require him to do anything. All he had with him was a government-issue Secret Documents Satchel, but it was so full it was heavier than you'd expect, and I think even that would have given him problems if he hadn't had me to dump it on.  
  
"Be careful with that!" he whined at me in a voice like a mosquito's as I picked the satchel up roughly. It was only a few hours since my last cigarette, but somehow the knowledge that there wouldn't be anymore made my crave them more than usual, and the entire world was starting to irritate me.  
  
This courier was visiting the general -- the top general, a guy I'd never seen except from a distance while he was making speeches that I didn't listen to. The courier left me sitting in the anteroom with the satchel, giving instructions to bring it in when he called for me. I wasn't familiar with how secret documents are transported at the time, but after gaining a few ranks I know that that courier definitely shouldn't have left me alone with anything that top secret. He should have had the thing chained to his wrist, in fact. It was a lucky thing for me in the long run that he didn't, though.  
  
Sitting out there as the interminable minutes crept by, I began to fidget. I thought about Tashigi. Sure, I'd kicked my share of asses, but those were with flat-out jerks who deserved it. Today was the first time I'd hit a friend.  
  
But she deserved it too, I reminded myself. Because of her, I'll have to go cold turkey for a week! The thought was horrifying.  
  
Still, it bothered me. I should have waited until she was ready, I thought. Smacking her out of nowhere like that -- it wasn't a fair fight.  
  
I tried to think of something else. Unfortunately, emptying my mind just made me thinks of cigarettes, and there was no way to get those.  
  
Then, I had an idea, a ridiculous idea but one that stuck in my mind as though it were anchored there. Lots of these upper-rank officers smoke. So where would they hide their contraband? Someplace nobody else was supposed to look! Like a top-secret-documents satchel, for instance! The more I thought about it, the more my brain convinced me that there MUST be a pack hidden in there.  
  
I decided it couldn't hurt just to take a look.  
  
I eased the latch open, as slowly as I could stand, and peered inside. Nothing but a thick sheaf of papers. Maps and battle plans. Surely there had to be something else! I shuffled through the papers, getting more and more desperate, and then I found it.  
  
Fruit!  
  
I had to be guarding the satchel of the ONE general in the world who preferred a fruit snack to cigarettes. Of all the miserable, lousy luck.  
  
It was a stupid thing to do in retrospect, but if it wasn't smokes, it was at least something to put in my mouth. So I ate the fruit myself. It tasted terrible too, like something that had been left in the oven a few hours too long.  
  
I wiped my mouth and carefully re-fastened the satchel. He wouldn't notice. He'd just think he'd forgotten to bring it.  
  
"You! Come here, crewman, and bring that satchel!" I leapt to my feet. Hadn't even heard him opening the door. I was fervently glad that I'd gotten the thing closed.  
  
I entered the office. I've never been one to suffer from excessive respect of authority figures, but I'll admit, actually being in the general's presence made my stomach flutter and my palms sweat. Tashigi would have said it was because of his aura of command. I'd describe it more as his ability to crush me like a gnat. My hands were shaking from nerves.  
  
Then again, maybe it was just the nicotine withdrawal.  
  
Dammit, Tashigi!  
  
I placed the satchel on the desk, trying hard to convey nonchalance and respectful nonentity at the same time. I noticed the half-full ashtray by the general's right arm. No smoking on the base. Yeah, right.  
  
"Well, then, let's see this thing." the general said, opening the satchel and leafing through the papers. "Where is it?"  
  
"It should be right there in the bottom."  
  
"I can't find it! What's all this garbage?" barked the general, ripping out the sheets of parchment and tossing them on the floor.  
  
"Oh, dummy plans, a red herring, you know." the courier explained. "In case of a theft, the thieves would take that which appeared to have value, not our real cargo."  
  
"Well it didn't work, you bloody idiot!" the general roared, his face turning crimson as he turned the satchel upside-down and shook it, letting the last few papers flutter out. "The blasted Mokumoku fruit isn't IN here!"  
  
Oh, shit.  
  
"But. but I don't understand!" the courier stammered. "It was in here when I arrived! I checked! Where could it have gone in --"  
  
They both turned to look at the crewman who was trying very hard not to be part of the room. As if my grave wasn't well dug enough already, I burped up some of the air I'd swallowed along with the fruit. A plume of smoke rose up from my mouth and hovered in the air.  
  
When the next day dawned, I'd already been swabbing out the officers' latrines (or as they say, "washroom") since four A.M. Two hours of punishment down, about two decades or so to go.  
  
"Smoker? Are you in here?" came the familiar voice. I felt a little pang of conscience seeing that bandage across her nose.  
  
"Yes, and if you want to find me any time in the next five years, you can just come back to the same place. I'll be here." I grunted. "Don't slip. The floor is wet."  
  
She slipped anyway.  
  
"I got you something." Tashigi explained, getting to her feet. She held it out to me. "They said that after eating that fruit, smoking won't have any effect on your health, and anyway I do owe you some--"  
  
"You got me cigarettes?" I said incredulously, looking at her in disbelief. "How you get these? Weren't you worried about getting caught and spoiling your perfect record? You didn't sneak them into the base hidden up your--"  
  
"Don't be ridiculous! I bought some of Morgan's."  
  
Ah, Morgan. The base dealer, at least for younger recruits. If you could pay his crazy jacked up prices, which I couldn't, and I was surprised that Tashigi could have. I said as much.  
  
"Well, it cost a lot of my money from home, but -- it was wrong of me to throw your cigarettes into the fire, even if I do disapprove of it. I mean, as a friend, I wanted to convince you not to do it anymore, but I should have respected your property. And now because of my actions, you're being punished so much. I owe you an apology, but I hope - I hope I don't lose your friendship because of this."  
  
"Forget about it." I said. "It's not so bad. They can punish me all they want, but they can't take THIS away-" I turned one arm into billows of smoke, which shocked her even if she had heard about it. "- and this will be one hell of an advantage for a Marine in the long run. Anyway, all you really need to apologize for is burning my cigarettes. I ate the fruit on my own. Hell, I'm the one who owes you an apology - I was really out of line, losing it like that, I shouldn't have punched you --"  
  
"No! No, don't apologize for that!" she said hastily. "I'm glad you did it."  
  
"What?" This is new.  
  
"Well, I mean, not that I want you to do it again or anything. But a lot of the guys here wouldn't have done it."  
  
"Yeah, I'm just a loose cannon, huh?"  
  
"No, my point is, they wouldn't have hit me because I'm a girl."  
  
"So? That's stupid. You're not an invalid or something. A girl can take a punch as well as a guy can, especially a girl who's gonna be a Marine. What? Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"Oh, no reason. Here, let me give you a hand with that. If I help between my other duties, maybe you can finished before midnight." She looked oddly happy for some reason. I wouldn't have thought that a willingness to sock you when the situation called for it would be anybody's criterion in choosing a friend, but Tashigi is no ordinary person, and neither, I guess, am I.  
  
She ended up getting her first demerits ever shortly after that when the general himself walked in. Until then, neither of us had thought about the fact that she wasn't supposed to be in the male officers' washroom.  
  
I don't know which of them blushed redder.  
  
End of Chapter 2 


	3. A Merchant is Outfoxed: Foxy's Story

One Second to Watch Out  
  
"One second to watch out, your whole life if you eat it..." - from the song "Samba/Bomber: Akuma No Mi" lyrics and translation from the site "Destination: Paradise".  
  
Chapter 3: A Merchant is Outfoxed  
  
I bet you think there couldn't be anything as pathetic as a pirate who starts his journey just drifting aimlessly in a rowboat. I mean, can you think of a beginning as inauspicious as that?   
  
How about a pirate who starts his journey being CARRIED in his rowboat? Awful. But I didn't choose to be born in the mountains.  
  
"Rock some more, Hamburg." I scolded the hulking man who was currently picking his way down the mountain slope on all fours with my... mighty galleon... on his back. "I need to get over the seasickness before we actually set out."  
  
"I've been carrying you in that boat all the way from home." Hamburg complained. "Maybe you could carry it a while?"  
  
"Nonsense. Remember our positions. In this crew, I am the captain, and you are, well, the sea. Currently."  
  
"You're only captain because you beat me at janken."  
  
"We agreed!" I paused. "But you're right, it's not fair of you to have to carry this burden all on your own. We could really use some new crew members to help spread the effort of transport around."  
  
This was a problem. Hamburg and I were tough, but from what I'd heard of the Grandline, going on it with only two people was out and out suicide. I've always preferred to have a few people around me to soak up any bullets or curses that might come my way, but what would anyone willing to be a pirate be doing smack in the middle of a Redline mountain range? So Hamburg and I were stuck getting to the ocean on foot, just the two of us, through bandit country.  
  
I pondered this problem all the way down the slope and into the valley, through the tall grass and stinging nettles, to the central crossroads. How to form a crew when nobody wants to join, indeed, when there's nobody around at all?  
  
A voice from the heavens gave me my answer.  
  
"Anything you want, we got!"  
  
The denden-mushi-enhanced voice snapped me out of my reverie. I looked up to find we had reached the crossroads, and with it, our first glimpse of humanity since we left our hometown. "Human" might have been straining it - the little man sitting on top of the garishly painted caravan must have had the WEIRDEST head I've ever seen. Even weirder than m-- than Hamburg's. He gesticulated frenetically at the piles of goods spread out on several folding tables.  
  
"We have Pots! Pans! Umbrellas! Mystic, cursed items! From the Mundane to the Magnificent!" the man continued enthusiastically. My eye strayed over bent utensils and cracked plates to be caught by the stylized skull and crossbones painted on the caravan's side. "You'll find whatever you're looking for at the Jolly Roger Junkshop! Show them the goods, Porshe-chan!"  
  
"With pleasure!" A girl no older than her teens bounced forward, turquoise hair flying around her face. Either morals were different outside our village, or she'd just forgotten to button her shirt, because she was indeed showing off "the goods".   
  
I didn't mind, though. If this was how they made girls in the civilized world, I was glad to have left the mountains...  
  
"What are you looking for? We have everything!"  
  
"Well, I-I could use some seafaring supplies. Like an anchor or a life raft--" That wasn't really how I intended to start, but she was very distracting.  
  
"It looks like you already have a life raft." she giggled. "What you could really use is an ocean."  
  
It was true! How depressing! It was understandable that I had to curl up in the bottom of the boat in the fetal position after something like that.  
  
"Did I say something wrong?" the shopgirl said fretfully.  
  
"Porshe-chan, your flirtatious patter needs some work!" the weirdo on top of the caravan said out of the corner of his most. Since he was still talking into the mike, his murmur caused a cloud of frightened birds to erupt from a tree on the horizon.  
  
"Sorry! Um, er, you're cute, mister! Your head is so... unique!"  
  
"I don't think that helped, Porshe-chan!"  
  
"WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?" roared a third speaker. I peeked up over the corner of my ship to see a middle-aged man standing red-faced in the caravan door. "Tubifex! Keep that thing turned to a reasonable level! And Porshe! How many times do I have to tell you to keep your damn shirt closed! This is a respectable used goods store, not a whorehouse!"  
  
"Sorry sir." Tubifex said into the mike, causing an avalache in the distant mountain peaks.  
  
"It's hot." Porshe complained.  
  
"And who in bloody blazes are YOU?" the man - the proprietor, I suppose he was - shouted, fixing my ship with one meaty finger. "This store doesn't cater to FREAKS!"  
  
The urge to go back down into the 'hold' for a few hours was strong, but I fought it back and stood up.   
  
"I am Foxy the Silver Fox!" I bellowed forcefully. "I am captain of this vessel, on a journey to the sea-- whoa--OOF!" I recovered very well from falling over the edge. "-- and I challenge you to a Davy Back Fight! A three-coin game!"  
  
"Nice speech." Hamburg said politely, getting to his feet and letting the ship slide to the ground.  
  
"Pirates? Here?" the old fart said, gaping. "Don't you mean mountain bandits?"  
  
"We're on our way to the sea! Are you deaf?"   
  
"And what's this 'Baby Back Ribs' thing?"  
  
"DAVY BACK FIGHT! It's a pirate game!" I admit I was working without a script here, since most of my knowledge about pirate culture came from old books, most of which were missing pages. I took out the three coins necessary.  
  
"Will I get that money if I play?"  
  
"Certainly! Since there's really no way to give it to Davy Jones out here."  
  
"Then fine, agreed, if it won't take too long."  
  
"Fefefefefe!" I laughed. "It won't take long for me to take your crew, not long at all!"  
  
"What, you mean my employees? Like hell! I never agreed to that!"  
  
"It's the rules. We can't stop the game now it's started. You'd forfeit all your honor as a pirate."  
  
"I'm not a pirate! I'm a businessman."  
  
"You show the Jolly Roger, a recognized pirate symbol."  
  
"It's just a theme! Everybody knows that! We're hundreds of miles from any ocean - the very idea of pirates here is ludicrous!"  
  
"Well we're pirates, and we're here. If you display the Jolly Roger, you have to hold to its ideals, even if you're in the middle of a desert or even on the moon."  
  
"He's got you with logic, Boss." Porshe said, scratching her head. "At least I think he does.  
  
"This is ridiculous." the proprietor said. "I simply refuse. What are you going to do about it?"  
  
"If you refuse - then your team forfeits, which means my crew gets to pick three of your employees to join us!"  
  
"Oooh! Oooh!" Porshe jumped up and down excitedly. "Pleeeeease, pick me! I'd much rather be a pirate than work this stupid retail job!" She clasped her hands together. "Please make me one of the three!!"  
  
"Porshe-chan, there's only three of us to start with. I think you're safe."  
  
"I'll take Porshe--"  
  
"EEEEEE!"  
  
"-and the other one, Tubifex your name was?"  
  
"Sounds like a better deal than here..." he agreed.  
  
The proprietor was turning steadily redder and redder. "You disloyal twerps!" he sputtered.   
  
"Hey, we don't work for you anymore!" Porshe said, grabbing my arm and hugging it to her chest. It was quite thrilling and, in fact, I nearly fell over from the good feeling. "We've got a new boss, and a new job that pays better than your cruddy wages!" She looked at me expectantly. "Just how much does piracy pay, Boss?"  
  
"Your pay is -- " I paused dramatically. "--all the treasures in this world!"  
  
"WOW!" Porshe squealed, fainting with excitement.  
  
"You don't have to take, you know, HIM, do you?" Tubifex said discreetly to me, his former boss, and several neighboring countries. "Somehow I don't think he'll cooperate. There's got to be something else."  
  
"Well, in the event no worthwhile crew members are left, I COULD take his Jolly Roger..."  
  
"That's part of my vehicle!"  
  
"I'm not carrying that whole caravan." Hamburg grumbled.   
  
"You'd only have to carry one wall, you big baby... or, I suppose, I could take some great treasure of his. The most valuable thing in this shop."  
  
"Hmmph." the owner groused. "That would be one of those vases over there. Go and pick one out." He gestured curtly to some lovely, if rather chipped, antiques.  
  
"He's lying!" Porshe said. "What about the Devil's Fruit?"  
  
"Yes, the Noronoro Fruit!" Tubifex agreed. "He's got it hidden in the back!"  
  
"TRAITORS!" the old man erupted.  
  
Devil's Fruit, eh? This was an intriguing turn of events. What better way to start my career in piracy than with a fruit that, legends had it, granted the consumer special powers? "Bring it out!" I commanded.  
  
It looked like nothing special, tasted horrible, like molasses-covered octopus, and took forever to chew through, but I managed to finish it. And, having obtained what I'd come for, I took my new crewmembers and continued on my wonderful and legendary journey. Off across the plains, bourne upon Hamburg's mighty back, on, on!  
  
"I'm... I'm not feeling so good." Porshe moaned, turning a paler shade of green.  
  
"You'll get used to it in time." I consoled her. "By the time we actually get to the ocean, you'll be a pro."  
  
"Boss, I can't help but notice--" came Hamburg's voice from below. "You said having more crew would ease my burden, but now there are three of you in the rowboat and I still have to carry it all the time."  
  
"You wouldn't expect your captain to carry it, would you? And Porshe is delicate, and ill besides. And Tubifex is far too scrawny." I surveyed the jouncing horizon. There was the old man, coming up again in a cloud of dust with his local posse. I casually aimed a burst of Noroma photons at them. Useful power, this - how long, I wondered, before they gave up the chase?  
  
And so, without even setting out upon the sea, the Foxy Pirate Crew numbered four. That was just the beginning. Oh, I had big plans, huge plans. I would build the mightiest pirate crew ever assembled! Ten thousand strong!  
  
But that could wait until we reached the ocean. At least now we had enough to play cards. 


End file.
